jai guru deva om
if it is possible to die from sheer itchy restlessness i will be dead within weeks.
this has been an ongoing problem.
at least for a month.
usually if i have something to throw myself into...like school work or a project, i'll be good.
or if i'm hibernating.
which i think i do sometimes on a very small scale.

i can already tell i'm finding it difficult to be eloquent this evening, so...

immediate plans:
-find giant sweatshirt to sleep in. and socks.
-locate snack, be amused by colbert while consuming the latter.
-probably have a cigarette. therefore, find extra pants & brother's slippers because it's really fucking cold outside.
-allow bird to sing me to sleep.

sounds good.

today is my birthday.
i am 24 years old.
23 was...mildly eventful.
finally decided to go to college. hopefully by the time i'm finished my hard work will pay off and my degree will be useful and/or mean something.
ended a 2+ year relationship...which was shockingly easy. i suppose if he had made more of an effort to talk to me or if i had pushed him to do so (which isn't really my style) it could have worked. but i can confidently say we're better as friends. the pressure to make conversation is gone, but then again, if two people work well as a couple that pressure shouldn't exist in the first place.
aaaaand...all four of my kitties had kitties of their own. it's kind of sad that i'm listing that as a milestone. oh well. i love the little turds.
speaking of, my wee eloise is leaving us tomorrow for a new family...she's my favorite sleep buddy, as she curls herself into a ball and snoozes right on the hollow below my neck.
i put together a little package of treats, toys, and a note to send with her.
i'm probably gonna cry a teensy bit.
my fault for getting to attached and forgetting that, seriously, there is no way we can keep all these kittens.

it hasn't really felt like my birthday.
i suppose because the only special thing i've done...was purchase two bottles of wine for myself (lambrusco & a riesling).
in all fairness, my papa is purchasing and sending me a nook color, which i am admittedly stoked about. i will always prefer a good solid paper-made novel, but...1000+ books mobile whaaaaaat.
in short today has been a bit of a busy day for everyone and i will be sure to get all my celebrating in this weekend.
only turn 24 once, i suppose.

i found a little town down by the river, where all the lovers go
decent (and well deserved, mind you) break yesterday...finished the hobbit, watched the princess bride, and made quite a tasty dinner.
so today, naturally, i intended to get back to studying, and do so like a boss.
unfortunately...half the day was was wasted as i more or less stared blankly at my notes.
i can blame my difficulties with attention as much as i'd like, but, if i can sit down and read a story and become so immersed that my family knows better than to attempt conversation while i'm reading...i guess i'm capable of studying if i try hard enough.
also...sometimes i fucking hate the internet.
yes, i realize i'm being a hypocrite.
i dun care.

i'm going to get some wine. and have a smoke.
and maybe sit outside a little while on this pretty afternoon.
and ponder life, the universe, and everything.
(ps; thanks, douglas adams.)

so...what do we do?
apathy towards my school work has begun to lessen, and this past week i've been consistently hitting the books.
i imagine my brain resembling something like overworked dough.

therefore, i planned on granting myself a reprieve today...in the form of not getting out of my pj's, tacos for breakfast, and perhaps finishing the hobbit.
aka be a lazy lump 'o person. coincidentally, it is the perfect day for this; gloomy, cold, and rainy.

while eating said tacos (which were accompanied by my homemade pico de gallo, and are just fine for breakfast, despite what anyone says) i decided to watch garden state...which i had not seen in ages.
viewing it now it was easier to see that it's just a little pretentious and a little more cheesy.
for a 17 year old girl-woman it was one of those...well, i don't want to say life changing, because that's a little dramatic, but it was pretty dern close.
the iron & wine/frou frou near the end still got me.


glad i watched it. cozy book time now.

(no subject)

i found a slew of pictures online that i had completely forgotten about...the old bff and i created an online photo album years ago (circa 2005) and it's filled with random pictures up until about three years ago.
which naturally made me want to go digging around boxes around the house for some more old photos of the physical kind.

oddly enough i found i physically haven't changed that much, but i couldn't help but recoil a bit at some of the more questionable fashion choices i had made.

i have been extremely restless this past week. i'm blaming it either on the add or, yet again, the weather.
i've started roughly four projects...redoing the artwork in the three main rooms of the house, investigating my family tree (which may also be used as artwork of some sort), and restoring an old school desk i found in my shed.
i guess that's kind of more like five projects. oh well.
fabric and sketches are pretty much everywhere, and i still have patches of paint/glue on all the exposed bits of my body despite having showered multiple times.
i also have a list of schoolwork that i know needs completing...in fact, i think i have something due tonight.
i'm feeling rather ambivalent towards all of it, when i'm normally quite gung ho- especially when it comes to my more creative endeavors.
i think it's 'cause i really, really just need to get out of this house.
i need a good excuse for an adventure.

and then there was one.
damn gorgeous nights as of late.
cold nights, but beautiful. i like to think when the temperature begins to drop everything is clearer and brighter and sharper.
i miss the north. i wore socks to bed last night on account of the chill and i relished it.

the past few weeks have been...simultaneously lonely and filled with times spent with awesome friends.
i'm beginning to feel like myself again, which is strange, considering i wasn't aware i ever stopped being myself in the first place.

i shouldn't ever feel like i have to settle and/or not consistently be myself.

i'm starving.
time to raid the fridge.

(no subject)
i hate these kinds of days where everything feels off, i'm restless, and communicating is a workout. like when you say something you think is really witty (well, you KNOW is really witty) and you get either a blank stare or a forced "ha-ha". but on days like these those sorts of conversations are so frequent that you feel something must be on your face, or everything you're saying is just really that dumb.

pretty much, the whole day has felt like my first day of sixth grade. i hate feeling awkward.

welcome back, me.
recent chats with an old lj friend has made me wistful for my own old journal, which i hastily deleted many months ago. i really wish i hadn't; of course if i'm nostalgic i can dig up my many attempts at keeping an journal, but entries are all over the place...torn out pages stuck in notebooks, half completed entries with dangling sentences. i was much better at keeping this 'cause i'm lazy and my hands don't tire out as quickly.

and i am very much the nostalgic type. ever since i was little, i would scribble on books of mine; "kendra was here!! 5th grade, almost in middle school! woo hoo!" all the way up til now cause i still do it. i like seeing those little notes to myself.

so let's see, right now...i am 23 years old. 24 in october, and i never thought i would be so terrified to be inching closer and closer to 30. i guess because it always used to seem so far away. i'm in school and i've decided i want to teach art to little ones. not exactly a financially lucrative career choice, but oh well.

currently...my hair's in a ponytail. flip flops are dangling from my feet, and i'm wearing what i like to call my hackin' clothes. gray jogging shorts, and nondescript purple t-shirt with a horizontal bleach stain on the chest. i think i was doing laundry one day and i had to lean in to grab a lone sock. i have many shirts like this.


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